Feelings
by star29818
Summary: My little gift of oneshots to all you Animorph fans.
1. Rachel: I'll Do It

**Hey everyone. Sadly, this'll be the only thing I'll post in the next few days at least. I'm going to have radiation done tomorrow, so I'll be laid up in bed. Hopefully I'll be able to write after the grogginess from the anesthesia wears off. Anyway, hopefully I'll be back to writing and updating soon.**

Disclaimer: Me no own Jake, Cassie, Ax, Marco, or Rachel. (sneaky grin, then is hit in the back of the head with a plastic cup) fine, and I don't own Tobias either... it's a sad world...

* * *

I stared at Jake after he had told me what he wanted me to do.

He wanted me to kill Tom. But Tom wasn't by himself. He had several morph-capable Yeerk buddies who could help him out.

But that wasn't what I was staring at my cousin for.

I knew what would happen if I took this mission. I knew what it would cost me.

I knew what it would cost everyone.

Cassie would lose me. Her best friend. I doubted she would ever trust or listen to Jake again, after this was over. Almost all hope for them to have a relationship would be gone if I went through with this.

Marco would know it had to be done. He wouldn't be happy about how it was done, but he knew. He would be sad that he would lose his Xena, the one person who could really give it back to him as he gave it out. But he wouldn't hold it against Jake.

Ax... I didn't know exactly how he would take it. He would have gone in my stead, had Jake asked him. But he was too important. Jake couldn't risk losing Ax.

Jake would be the one who would lose the most, I think. He would lose his brother. My family would probably never forgive him. I knew my mother probably wouldn't. He would lose Ax, I think, for the lack of trust. Ax would feel betrayed that Jake hadn't asked him to do it. He would lose me. He would lose Cassie. And if he lost Cassie he would most likely lose himself. Marco would lose _Jake _himself. And Tobias...

I took a shaky breath as I thought of him. His dreamy eyes, his blonde hair that would fall over his eyes...

He would take it the hardest. I was the only human to ever really love him at all. I knew for a fact I was one of the only reasons he didn't give himself over to the hawk instincts. The other was the war. And gosh, I loved him. We kept each other grounded. He kept me from letting this... darkness inside of me take over. I kept him from losing himself.

And me... I would lose _everything_. I would lose Cassie, Jake, Marco, Ax. Tobias. I would lose my _life_.

If I didn't do this, we would lose. The war. The Yeerks would take over and make everyone controllers.

If I _did_ do this... everyone would be safe. Everyone wouldn't be controllers.

But my friends - the other Animorphs - would lose.

I sighed. Either way, someone would lose.

I ran a hand through my blonde hair and looked back at Jake. He was staring at me.

"Rachel, I'll understand if you don't want to do this-"

I held up a hand to keep him from going on. "Jake, if I don't do this, we'll lose. The war, the planet, the whole _galaxy_, even. If I _do_... We can save it. We'll win." I took a deep breath.

"I'll do it."


	2. Tobias: Three Months

**(passes around tissues) this one made me cry... it made Faith cry too, when she read it.

* * *

**

Three months.

Doesn't seem like a long time, does it? But it is.

At least, for me.

Three months since the last of the Yeerks surrendered. Three months since we had won.

Three months since we had lost _her_.

I remember that moment like it had just happened an hour ago. I could still feel the tears running down my face as she turned to look into the screen. Even with her own eyes watering, though she wouldn't cry, she looked beautiful. And when she had said "I love you."... That was when it hit me.

I may have been staring right at her, but I had already lost her.

I wanted to scream. At her, at Jake, Marco, Cassie, Ax. Anyone. I wanted to yell and scream for someone to rewind time so I could make sure none of this happened. So I could make sure that Rachel and I could have the life we'd dreamed of. But I only cried harder. I wanted to tell her I loved her, but as I opened my mouth to do so, the bear... It's paw...

I was too late. Too late to tell the girl I loved more than life itself that I loved her too. She fell down, already gone. Already dead.

When I... When I carried her urn off after the funeral, I flew to the beach. She had had wonderful times there, including some of ours that we spent together. I had landed, and morphed to human, then sprinkled her ashes out into the ocean. She had had fun there, well, for the most part. When she was able to lose herself in the dolphin morph. I thought maybe...

After that, I took the urn to the monument that the state had put up. It was of Jake, Cassie, Marco, Ax, a hawk, which I guessed was supposed to be me, and in the middle, a defiant-looking girl stood. Though it was no surprise that the stone hawk was perched on her arm. I only wished we could have had more time... to say goodbye, maybe. So I could kiss her one last time and tell her just how much she meant to me, definitely.

I was back at the monument now, three months later, in human morph, tears falling down my cheeks silently, as I knelt and read the inscription. It was just a bunch of junk on us, how we had fought the war and won. And about _her_.

I heard someone walking close, so I quickly rushed away and demorphed. It was Jake.

I glared unconsciously at that... that... he was supposed to be her cousin, family. Family doesn't send their cousin to kill their brother, knowing that neither one would survive. When I was fully hawk, I gave a piercing cry, and took off into the skies. He saw me, and his eyes grew weary and filled with pain. Good.

He had sent _my girl_ to her death, he needed to regret it. He needed suffer just as much as I had.

Amazing, three months... and I can't even say her name.


	3. Jake: Haunted

It haunts me, you know?

What I did, how I did it. What I achieved. What I lost.

What I did was win the war against the Yeerks. The one Elfangor, Tobias' dad, threw us in without a warning.

I remember that night like it had just happened. Walking through the construction site with Marco, Cassie, Tobias... Rachel... Tobias pointing up to a bunch of blinking lights in the sky. Seeing an Andalite, a Taxxon, a Hork-Bajir for the first time. Seeing Visser Three...That evil, disgusting, merciless...

Funny, I used to claim Marco as my best friend. Now, I don't know what to call him. An acquaintance, maybe. Definitely not best friend. Those come in short supply, nowadays.

Cassie... What can I say about Cassie? She deserved better than me. She deserved the world after all this war... and myself... put her through. I still love her, and I still need her more than anything else in the world, but I don't want to ruin her life the way I did back before. I miss her... I miss her smile, her laugh, her eyes... everything about her. But she deserved someone better than I am, someone who'll treat her right. Someone who won't treat her like I have.

Tobias hates me for what I did. Not for defeating the Yeerks. But for what I did to accomplish that goal.

Rachel... oh god, how could I do that? She was my own family! And I sent her to her death... I sent her to kill my brother...

I loved Tom. He was my big brother, and for a long time he was my idol. Who did I want to be like when I grew up? Tom Berenson. Why did I want to play basketball? Because Tom played it. And yet, I sent our cousin to kill him...

What kind of a person am I?

How I won against the Yeerks... Didn't the paragraph above explain it? I sent my cousin, who had a family, a boyfriend, a perfect life ahead of her, to kill my own brother because I couldn't spare anyone else. She was right when she said she was my insurance policy.

And Tobias hated my guts for it.

I was at our memorial when I heard him. How I knew it was him, I don't know. But I heard him give a cry. It was like he was yelling at me for being there. For disturbing him as he grieved for the only person who ever really loved him.

What did I achieve? Well, I succeeded in saving earth. Got cool cars, awesome job deals. But did I take them?

No.

How could I, after what I did?

What did I lose... I lost the only girl I ever wanted to spend everyday with. I lost my best friend. I lost my brother, as well as my parents. I lost whatever friendship I'd had with Tobias. And I lost my cousin.

In all truth, I think I lost more than I gained.

Sure, I saved the world from aliens who shove themselves inside your brain and make you complete slaves while you cower in a corner of your mind. I saved all the humans, the whole planet, from becoming Controllers.

But I lost Cassie. She was all that I'd held dear, even though she gave the Yeerks the escafil device. She was all I ever wanted, all I ever needed to stay grounded.

When I lost her, I lost everything.


	4. Marco: The Only Animorph

**This one is dedicated to Faith360. I wrote the first three lines, then she finished it, and she did an awesome job. THANKS FAITH!!!**

My name is Marco.

Amazing. Three months and I _still_ feel uneasy about sharing my last name with the public. I guess living three years in complete paranoia'll do that to you.

It's a big change, going from being earth's only hope to being earth's saviors.

It's a nice change, I'll tell you that.

Fame, money, everything that comes with it...

That's all nice, yeah. But there are a few non-material things that are nicer.

Freedom is one.

I'm able to do things I haven't done since the war started.

Like buy the newest video games, or even something as simple as going for a walk in the park.

Not that I take walks in the park, but still.

I can pretty much do anything I want.

Go anywhere I want when I want to, eat anywhere I want, live where I want.

Plus I don't have to lie to everyone.

That's a big change.

But once again, a nice change.

All these nice changes...None of them will ever compensate for the loss.

Rachel.

I fought with her so much, but she was always my friend.

I miss her.

If she was here, she would be all I really had.

The others just aren't with me anymore.

In a way, it looks like I'm the last Animorph.

It _feels_ like I'm the last Animorph.

I _am_ the last.

Why couldn't it be different?

Why did Jake have to become someone else?

Why did Tobias have to run away?

Why did Ax have to go without saying goodbye?

Why did Cassie have to forget everything we did together?

Why did Rachel have to die?

Why did I have to be left alone like this?

It scares me more than the war ever could.

I would rather have a longer war.

At least they'd be there fighting right beside me.

But all I have is stupid money and my own TV show.

Not as great as I thought it would be.

It would be great if I had my friends.

If.

Just if.


	5. Cassie: Losing Jake

Sad, isn't it?

I mean, we won the war, beat the Yeerks... but we lost ourselves, and our friend.

Rachel and I, we'd been best friends. We'd hit some rough spots during the war, but we'd made it through. Well, at least, until those final moments... When she finally gave herself to be the war-goddess.

I don't think anyone took that final battle as hard as Tobias did. Speaking of him, no one had seen or heard from him since Rachel's... funeral.

I never thought I'd say those words until we were old, wrinkly widows with lots of grandkids.

Believe it or not, Rachel and I, we'd sit around, either at her house or mine, and day dream about the future. We'd talk about what we wanted our husbands and kids to look like, even came up with names. Even though I never told her, though now that I think about it I never had to, every time I saw myself married when we were young, I'd see myself standing side-by-side with a brown haired boy who looked older than his age.

He acted like it, too.

Now that I looked back, it was stupid to see myself with him. After I've seen what he's become...

He lost his brother, his parents, his cousin... he'd lost alot, but I thought we could make up for it...

Apparently not.

I can't say that I don't miss him, because I'd be lying. Saying I didn't missed his touch, his hugs, his kisses, his eyes, his hair, his voice...

Well, let's just say that I miss him.

I always believed we'd be strong through this war. No matter what, that our love would see us through to the end.

I was foolish to think that way.

I should have forseen that the war would change him. It changed us all, true, but... I would have thought that he'd have stayed the same. That he would rise above the insanity that was our life.

Stupid me.

I lost more than my best friend in this war. I lost my one true love.

I lost Jake.


	6. Ax: Homesick

My name is Aximilli-Esguarrouth-Isthill.

And I am homesick.

I never thought, when I was back on the homeworld, that I would be 'sick' for another's planet. I always believed that I was better off on my own world, rather than on another.

Things change.

I remember watching Elfangor, once when he had come to visit my parents and I, and at night he would walk out under the stars and watch the small star to the left of our moons. It was almost drowned out by the brightness, but Elfangor wouldn't take his eyes off of it. I would think it was preposterous that he was homesick.

But now I know he was.

He had left the two people he loved on earth. His wife, Loren. And their son.

Tobias.

I have met both of them, and I see how Elfangor loved them. I am glad I had the chance to meet the reasons why my brother stared up at the sky, tears welling in his eyes, when he thought no one was watching.

I was now standing in the same spot he had stood, staring at the same star.

Earth's sun.

I now see how he could be homesick for that planet.

When I was on earth, I told myself that I was better off with my own people. On my own planet. Even as I boarded the dome ship I would be living on while we made the journey to what I had thought of as home then, I told myself that it was for the best.

I have been on the homeworld for some odd months, now. And almost every night I come up out of my scoop to stare at that small star, the star that gave heat and light to Earth.

I sighed as I thought of the three years I had stayed on that planet. With Prince Jake, Cassie, Marco, Tobias. And Rachel.

She shouldn't have died in that battle. If anyone should have died, it should have been me. I would have gladly given my life in service to my Prince.

But he told her to. He gave Rachel a command, and she followed it out, knowing she would not survive. He knew that too. And soon, everyone else knew it as well...

Once, I had asked Elfangor why he stared at that star. He had sighed, looking at me with his stalk eyes, keeping his main eyes on the star. (You have never left the homeworld, Aximilli. You would not understand.) He had said, walking back to the scoop.

I understand why he said that now. Perfectly clear.

Earth has a saying: 'Home is where the heart is'.

I have two hearts. I have two homes.

And yet, I am still homesick.


	7. Tobias2: Goodbye, Rachel

**I couldn't help it. I had a bunch of sad songs on, so I had to do it. I'm adding another oneshot. I'm sorry if I forgot any important R/T moments: I have yet to read #49, so please forgive me if something that goes on in that book isn't mentioned, I'm trying to find it, and having no luck whatsoever (mumbles about libraries and losing books that are really important). And for those of you who reviewed: THANK YOU! And you'll be happy to know, I'm back and better than ever! WOOHOO!**

**Disclaimer: (mumbles incoherently, then is hit on the back with a paper cup) Okay, fine... growls i do not own the Animorphs. There, you happy?!

* * *

**

My name is Tobias.

And believe it or not, my life is slowly healing.

That's what scares me.

I wanted to stay sad. What else did I have do live for? Nothing. Nothing but the memory of what we had planned to be. Now, all I could do was stare at the memorial of her, and continue wishing it would come to life.

But that was just it.

It was just a stone statue.

I was at that statue now. I had morphed human, like I always do. But instead of crying, I was remembering. Reliving our memories. Reminiscing, I suppose.

Once, when I went to her house, just after I'd gotten stuck, I'd told her I couldn't hardly remember what I looked like anymore. She'd pulled a picture of me out and showed it to me. I hadn't known she'd had a picture of me. And now that she was gone, I didn't even have a picture of her to remember her by. To remember her eyes, her smile...

Then that time when the Ellimist gave me back my morphing powers, when I had morphed human and gone to her awards ceremony. She had been surprised to see me, but I didn't care. I was human again. I was human with her.

When we were stranded back in time on Dino Island or whatever with the Nesk and Mercora, I remember her. Filthy, tired, half of her morphing suit ripped away to form a make-shift splint for my broken wing. But she was still the prettiest girl I'd ever seen. She'd had that affect on me, I guess.

Then when Visser Three decided to pretend to be my cousin, Aria. Rachel had given me a little birthday party of sorts, just me and her. I sighed and shook my head, remembering that we had argued then too. But in the end it worked out alright. We always worked things out, no matter what.

Then when we had to follow Visser four through time. I remember watching her, as an eagle, with Marco, an Osprey, underneath Cassie, whom was a horse, all the while begging Jake to do something, yelling at him that we had to save them from the battle that was raging around them...

What a prediction.

Then, on the Delaware river with George Washington. Jake had been killed then. And Rachel had stepped up. She had commanded Ax to attack, not caring what happened. She had wanted revenge. Then on the boat. Oh god, if I'd only known then... She had been blown in half on that ship, and I'd nearly gone crazy, thinking she was dead. Then we were suddenly at Princeton. And she had been alive. I closed my eyes as I pictured in my mind how I had grabbed her and kissed her...

If only I could do that now. If only we could be in another dimension, where we'd pop up any minute, all of us how we were then. _What's done is done, you can't change it_, I growled to myself.

Then when I was captured by Taylor. God, I thought I would never see her again, that surely that madwoman would kill me, and I'd never see Rachel again. But I made it. She rescued me. Well, she _helped_ rescue me. In reality they all did, but... She was going to kill Taylor, for what she did to me. She was going to kill that girl because she had hurt me. I remember that weekend, on the beach. She'd come up from the dunes, her golden hair catching the sunlight. She had kissed me that day. I smiled faintly at the memory of her lips brushing mine. Then we had gone flying.

I sighed and stared up at her cold, stone face, and prepared to do the unthinkable.

"Rachel, I know you're gone. It doesn't help ease the pain, and it doesn't make me not wish you weren't, but I know and understand that you aren't coming back." I whispered up at her. I kept waiting for her to smile down at me, flip her hair back, and say something along the lines of 'What are you talking about, I'm right here', or maybe I'd wake up, and she'd be beside me whispering 'Sh, it was only a dream, Tobias, I'm here'.

Not this time.

All of the dances, all of the battles, all of the meetings. All those times we went flying together. All of the precious moments we had together, it all led to this.

Just the other day, I woke up, and I couldn't remember her face. I flew straight for the memorial, but even then...

All it was, all it'll ever be, is a statue. A piece of rock carved to look like a person. That was all it was.

I swallowed and stared up to that face. The face that was remarkably in detail. The face that looked so real...

If only it _were_ real.

"Rachel, I'm sorry I've run away. I'm sorry I've done all of this." I shook my head, fighting the tears that were stinging my eyes. I took a shaky breath and looked back up. "Oh Rach, I miss you so much..."

Then I remembered her. Staring at me on that screen. Tears pooling in her eyes, 'cause she knew that she was going to die. "I love you." She had said to me. I remember the hurt that was in her eyes. The hurt that she knew I was going to go through.

I rested my head in my hands, trying to make those last few memories of her leave my mind. But her words still echoed, as if she had just spoken them.

"I love you."

"Rachel..." I looked up at the statue, tears falling down my cheeks. "I never said that I loved you back. When you were there, right in front of me..." I looked down again, then back up. "But I'm telling you now, even though it's too late. I love you, Rachel. I always have. I always will." I closed my eyes tight. Then a small breeze wafted by, ruffling my hair a bit. And on it, a quiet, familiar voice said,

"I know."

I opened my eyes and looked around, but no one was there. _Tobias, you're hearing things_, I dismissed it. I looked back up at the statue, took a deep breath, and slowly stood back up from where I had fallen to my knees.

"Goodbye, Rachel."


	8. Cassie2: Gone Again

Two updates in one day, I'm proud of myself! Really! Well, here it is: a Cassie oneshot that'll hopefully avenge the other crappy one I wrote. Hope ya'll like it!

* * *

There _he_ was.

He didn't see me, though I know he knew I would be here. After all, it _was_ an Animorph's benefit or whatever.

I saw Marco a little bit away, a lady on each arm, talking to some guy in a tux, holding a glass of champagne. I shook my head, smiling a little. This whole 'famous' life got along really well with Marco.

I looked around at the room, filled with people wearing dresses and tuxedos, chatting and sipping champagne, their hair nicely styled and the ladies wearing makeup and flashy jewelry. As if their sparkly dressed with their poofy skirts didn't call enough attention.

Rachel would have loved it, I think.

I actually was dressed up. Wearing a nice aqua-and-white dress, my hair in ringlets that fell around my shoulders. I was even wearing makeup. I smiled unconsciously, remembering all the times when Rachel had forced me to dress up for the dances at school.

That seemed like a lifetime ago.

I looked back at _him_, where he stood by himself, half-listening to some man, whom was carrying on at him.

Jake.

He looked as handsome as ever, in his tux, with his hair neatly combed. But he never smiled, like he used to. His brown eyes sort of... _stared_ blankly, as if looking through the other man unfocused, unblinking. Like he wasn't even here.

That isn't the Jake I know. Or, at least, that I once knew.

I remember the night we went through that construction site. The night that changed our lives. I remember looking at him... He looked so nervous when Elfangor told him to go get the morphing cube. But I told him he wasn't scared. That he could do it. I had faith in him. And he did it.

I remember that time on the lego planet whatever, with Guide and the Howlers. I remember being scared to death when he didn't come back. And when I saw him... When we kissed... I smiled faintly at the memory.

I remember later on in the war... When I had let Tom get away with the _escafil device_. I remember how Jake had been so angry with me. How he said I couldn't be trusted. I knew he was just upset that the Yeerks got the cube, and that he had let his brother get away. But what was I supposed to do? Let him kill his brother and lose him to the grief?

No. Not me.

Though, if I'd known I would lose him, in the end...

Then... Then, a few weeks before the last battle, when we had snuck to the Garden's - or what was left, I suppose - to get him an anaconda morph. He had held me like old times, telling me he loved me and that he wanted to get married when it all was over. I had halfway wanted to believe him. But the rift was too big, I guess. Oh, I still loved him - I still do - but... It was too complicated.

Then the battle happened.

We were on the pool ship, all of us but Rachel. When Jake told us where Rachel was... Tobias went crazy. I went crazy too. I was so... Hurt. It hurt more than anything, to know he hadn't trusted me enough to tell me. _Rachel_ hadn't trusted me enough to tell me.

But that paled in comparison to what I remembered the most.

I remember all those times he looked at me, with that... _unknown_ emotion in his eyes. That look that always made my mouth run dry and sucked the breath from my lungs. The look that said he loved me, even if he wouldn't say it with words. The look that said he needed me, that he truly _loved_ me, not that childish, silly, school crush like most of the kids our age were feeling.

That look was never in his eyes anymore, no matter how much I longed to put the sparkle back into those brown eyes. That sparkle would probably never return. And that broke my heart.

I took a deep breath and moved to walk toward him. The least I could do is say 'hello, Jake, how are you doing?'. But then...

"Cassie!"

I turned over my shoulder and saw him. Ronnie Chambers. My work partner.

My boyfriend.

I sighed and looked back at Jake, whom was now looking at me. His eyes were blank, as usual. But there was something else... Something even _I_ couldn't identify. He gave me a small nod, then turned away and walked out of the building.

I sighed again, blinking the tears that were welling up in my eyes.

There he went.

Gone.

Again.


	9. All: We Are Broken

**(Star Wars music plays) From a galaxy, far, far away... STAR HAS RETURNED! Anyway, enough of dramatic intros. I wrote another oneshot. I was listening to We Are Broken, by Paramore (if you haven't heard of them, or listened to the song, I highly suggest looking it up), and I just had to get this out. I don't think this would count as a songfic, seeing as how I only used select lines from the song, but hey, it still aint mine so I doubt it matters much. The little --'s separate POVs, so see if you can see which one belongs to which character, kay? Anywho, I'll do a disclaimer, just to get the point across. The Animorphs are not mine, neither is the song We Are Broken, by Paramore. And you know what, forget this spellchecker thing, it's not working right, so you guys'll just have to deal with misspellings.**

I looked around me.

I saw the Hork-Bajir constructing the shacks.

I saw my friends, all battle-wary and exhousted.

I saw our pain. I saw our situation.

I looked around at the trees surrounding us. I saw the blue sky, the fluffy clouds. Things that would have brought me cheer.

Not this time. Things were just too wrong.

How did it get to this?

_**What must we do to restore our innocence...**_

--

I looked around me.

I saw them, my friends. I saw how tired they were, how sick of this war they were.

I was too.

I rested my head in my hands.

How was I going to do this? How was _I_ supposed to stop this?

It's all my fault.

I caused this.

And I was going to stop this.

_**We're at war, we live like this...**_

--

I looked around me.

It amazed me how far we'd come.

How much we changed.

We were so many different people than what we were three years ago.

And none of it was for the better.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. We were supposed to have a normal childhood. We were supposed to get to grow up normally. Well, as normally as we could, I guess.

Instead, we got this war.

And it killed all of us.

_**We just want to be whole...**_

--

I looked around me.

What I saw scared me.

We had turned into robots. We weren't even living anymore. This wasn't living.

This was death.

We couldn't live in this. We couldn't go on with this war.

But we had no choice.

But I would make sure that this suffering was justified.

_**Keep me safe inside your arms, like towers...**_

--

I looked around me.

I saw her, the one I could trust. She was tired, exhausted beyond belief. And yet she still gave everything she had, she still fought harder than ever before.

I saw what we would have to live in. I saw how much change we would have to grow accustomed to.

It scared me.

More than any Yeerk device could.

I might lose them. The only friends I'd ever had.

We would all lose in this war.

_**We are broken...**_

--

I looked around me.

I looked at my comrades, my fellowship.

My friends.

I remembered when we had met.

What happened to our innocence?

Why are we so hard, so cold, so unfeeling?

Why are we broken?

I looked up the sky to look at the sun. To feel it's warmth on my body.

But it had disappeared.

_**We just want to be whole...**_

--

_**We are broken. What must we do to restore our innocence, and all the promise we adored? Give us life again, 'cause we just want to be whole. - We Are Broken, Paramore.**_

--

**Okay, so what did ya'll think? I personally loved it, so did Faith... and yeah. Oh, just a little headsup: I'm actually moving away from the Animorphs-ness I've always had. Meaning I probably won't be updating for a while, unless I just have the dire need. Sorry, guys, but that's just the way it works, I guess. Anyway, please Read and Review, I'd greatly appreciate it. **

**Oh, and for those of you who tried to figure the pov's out, I'll list them here:**

**Cassie, Jake, Marco, Rachel, Tobias, Ax. There ya go. **

* * *


	10. Cassie3: All For One, One For All

**(Tries to sneak in unnoticed, but fails miserably as the audience boos and throws rotten fruit, stinky shoes, and various other objects) Yeah, yeah, so I haven't been here in... _forever... _(sighs) and I sorry. But, well, I have a oneshot for ya'll. I'm really not sure what to think of it, so I want you guys to tell me what ya'll think. Good? Bad? Horrible waste of time? I seriously think I'm losing my touch at this whole 'writing' thing, but I was listening to a song (Taken by Plumb, for any who want to go find it on Youtube or something), and I could't get that first line out of my head. **

**But anywho, enough of my rambling. Go read, and let me know what you think.**

* * *

There had been a time, once upon a lifetime ago, that I would have put Jake first. That I would have said that I'd wait for him forever, be there for him whenever he needed me.

I would always love him. I knew that. He was my first love. Everyone goes on about how you never forget your first love. And part of my heart would always be with him. I knew I would never get it back – and I didn't want it back. I don't regret loving him.

He had needed me. He needed me for balance, even if he didn't agree. He needed me to keep him grounded. But in the end, I had failed him, in his eyes at least. We'd all failed him – he'd failed himself. But he never failed us. Not even the day... the day when Rachel died. I understood now, even if I still didn't agree.

And I needed him. He was my center. He was my strength. He kept me going, even when I didn't want to fight anymore. I always went back to him.

There had been a time when Jake would have been the only thing that mattered. There had been a time when I'd looked to Jake alone. When seeing him smile was the highlight of my life. When hearing him laugh was the best part of my day.

I could still see him. When I close my eyes, I see his face, how he used to be. I see that mature, adult look in his eyes, but I see the boyishness of his smile, the smile I don't get to see anymore. I hear his laugh – a real, sincere laugh, not something fake to distract people. When he truly thought something was funny. I saw that familiar look in his eyes when he looked at me, the one that said everything that needed to be said.

I tried not to remember the last days of the war. How Jake didn't trust me, how he ignored me. Then I remember that night when he held my in his arms inside the Boa exhibit at the Gardens. I remember how he'd asked me to marry him when it was over.

What would have been different, if I'd said yes? Maybe everything would be different. Or maybe things would be exactly the same.

Maybe he would still be alive.

Because I know he's not. He's dead – I'd felt it. People say they feel it when their love or their spouse is hurt, how they feel a tightness around their heart. I didn't feel a tightness. I felt like I was suffocating. I'd felt my heart completely stop for a moment.

And I knew.

I'm not the stupid, naïve girl everyone thinks I am. I'm not all that much for optimism anymore. I knew when Jake had said goodbye to me that day on the mountain, when he'd told me I couldn't go with him, that I wouldn't see him again. That that would be the last time.

The only thing I regret about this whole thing is that. The fact that I let him go without a fuss. The fact that I stayed her, despite how my heart felt about it – about letting them go off without me, like in the old days. Maybe if I'd insisted on going, maybe they'd all be alive...

Or maybe I'd be dead. Maybe that's what this is all about. Maybe it's the fact that I alone, that I truly am the last Animorph.

It isn't fair. Why should I have special treatment? I was a soldier in a secret war, I risked my life every moment of every day back then. And while I didn't like it, I didn't give up, as much as I wanted to. Rachel had been a warrior, who had died to save her planet, her friends, her love. Jake, Marco, and Tobias had died, trying to rescue Ax – Ax, the Andalite whom I helped to find, whose messages I'd intercepted in my dreams – from the One. I should have helped – I should have been there.

And every time I close my eyes, I see him. I see all of them. Every single one of them. I see Rachel at the mall, I hear her laugh and say "Let's Do It!". I see Marco roll his eyes, and talk about how insane everything is. I see Tobias perched in the rafters of our old barn, hear him complaining about eagles and crows. I see Ax in the cafeteria, stuffing his mouth with a Cinnabon and playing with his words.

I see Jake standing tall, dignified. How he got when he started talking about a mission. I heard him arguing with Marco over superheroes. I could almost feel his lips on mine when he had kissed me.

It wasn't fair. But I'd let him do it. I'd let him do everything. Really, I couldn't stop him. But I should have tried. I should have... should have...

It wasn't fair. If you kill one of us, you kill us all. But if you leave one of us... What happens then?

"All for one, and one for all."

I shouldn't be the last Animorph.


End file.
